Work is more than just doing your job; it’s also about building relationships and learning how to protect your mental wellbeing in a professional setting. Unfortunately, not everyone is assertive or even aware that setting boundaries are extremely important. In this article, we’ll talk about emotional boundaries; what they are, why they’re important and how to start enforcing them.
What are Emotional Boundaries?
Most of us could benefit from a lesson on how to set boundaries. But first, what exactly are emotional boundaries?
An emotional boundary can be defined as an action to prioritize your mental and emotional wellbeing and the limits you set for yourself and others. It means that you’re able to separate your professional and personal life and not let other people’s emotions or opinions affect you too much.
Why is it So Difficult to Set Boundaries?
The reason why it might be so difficult for you to set boundaries might be a combination of factors. Most commonly, it might be due to the way you were raised. Oftentimes, women specifically, are taught to be obedient and pleasant, and being their own person might be even seen as rebellious.
People don’t like being told ‘no’ – even if you understand that setting boundaries have nothing to do with you and that it doesn’t mean the person who enforces them no longer wants to talk to you, it still stings and feels a bit like rejection. So similarly, you might struggle to set boundaries with others because you’re afraid they’ll take it the wrong way.
Additionally, if you struggle with low self-esteem and find it hard to navigate relationships due to social anxiety or a disability, you might be afraid to set boundaries because you believe it might put people off or even lead to a friendship loss. However, if you don’t set the boundaries you need, your friendships might still fall apart when you become too overwhelmed and resentful.
Why is it Important to Set Boundaries?
When you don’t set boundaries, you’re sending other people a message that your needs matter less than their level of comfort. What’s even worse, you’re sending the same message to yourself. At first, it might not seem like a big deal but if you avoid voicing your opinions, the feeling of resentment towards yourself and others will build up over time and might eventually affect your self-esteem and job performance. In addition, not setting boundaries at work might make you feel overwhelmed and being around people who don’t respect you might translate into a toxic work environment. In other words, a lack of this ability can make your job unpleasant and potentially affect other areas of your life.
How Do You Know You Should Learn How to Set Boundaries?
Sometimes it’s difficult to tell if you need to learn how to be a more assertive person; at first glance, it might seem like you get on well with other people at work and that you’re satisfied with the way your social life is going but if there’s a feeling of not being respected or good enough looming under the surface, it’s a sign that your needs aren’t being met and that you should pay more attention to setting boundaries.
People who struggle to set emotional boundaries, often fear that being firm might result in rejection or disagreements. If you’re afraid of being rejected, you’re more likely to engage in people-pleasing behaviors even at your own expense and agree to talk about other people’s problems even when it’s emotionally draining.
Similarly, if you fear conflicts, you might ignore your needs to avoid angering others. However, it’s a common misconception that setting boundaries is synonymous with rejection. It’s just a way to communicate to others what you are and aren’t comfortable with and doesn’t mean you dislike the other person. If someone is offended when you try to draw a line, that’s their problem, not yours.
Tips on Setting Emotional Boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable, especially if you’ve always been a bit of a passive person but you can improve with enough practice. Here are a few things you can do to learn how to do it:
1. Remember that work relationships are different from personal relationships
Working in an environment that seems to be one big family might sound like an ideal situation at first but that’s if you get on well with everyone all the time, which isn’t realistic when this kind of emotional closeness is involved. Sooner or later, you’re likely to disagree with someone and find out that their views differ from yours or fall victim to too much gossiping, which might affect the quality of your work.
Making friends with your co-workers or even your boss is great but make sure you don’t let the line between a friendship and a working relationship blur too much. The easiest way to do this is by reminding yourself to prioritize work when you’re at work. Sure, talking about other people’s problems might be more interesting than the tasks at hand but it’s not what you’re there for.
Instead of engaging in another discussion, train yourself to say no. Obviously, you can make it sound a bit less abrupt by offering people a reason you won’t be as sociable anymore but have that word at the back of your mind to make yourself really commit to it.
2. Consider what your boundaries are by looking at your values
Taking on extra work isn’t necessarily a bad thing as long as it doesn’t negatively affect other areas of your life. To know what kind of boundaries to set, you have to identify your values first. Consider what’s the most important to you, your career, your family, or maybe your freedom? If one of your values is spending time with your loved ones, you might have to rethink agreeing to do overtime.
3. Practice outside of work
Setting boundaries is daunting enough but it’s even more difficult at work because you want to do well and avoid straining a relationship with anyone. This is why you should get used to being assertive outside of work first. Consider if you tend to agree to social meetings even when you’re tired or if you get emotionally involved in every problem your flatmate is going through. Whichever scenario you’re guilty of, make it your goal to engage in it less frequently.
For example, tell your friend that you aren’t in the right frame of mind to discuss their breakup with them or say that now isn’t a good time for you to meet. If you struggle to tell whether you want to do something because you desire to or because you can’t say no, try to sit down with your thoughts first.
Close your eyes and observe what’s going on in your mind. Take deep breaths at the same time and notice any feelings and sensations that arise in your body. With enough practice, you should become more connected to your needs. Follow the same rule at work and be mindful of how things affect you.
Does discussing your coworker’s problems bring upsetting memories from your past or do you feel glad that you can help someone? Does having a friendly chat with your boss make you uncomfortable or does it make you feel welcome?
4. Don’t make yourself available all the time
Modern technology makes work more efficient, but the flipside is that it often requires employees to be available all the time, even after working hours. This is great from a business point of view but a terrible idea if you think about long-term consequences such as burnout. If you tend to check your emails even after you get home or worse, if your boss expects you to answer their email any time of the day, it’s time to set boundaries for your own sanity.
First, come up with an email that clearly sets a boundary and informs the recipient that you’d rather focus on your private life when you’re at home, such as ‘I will get back to you tomorrow during the working hours. However, checking your email can still be a habit hard to break so it’s also a good idea to set yourself a time limit on how long you can use the Internet and choose a window in which you allow yourself to check your inbox.
Additionally, remember to create a work-life balance and stick to it. Just because you have a good relationship with your boss doesn’t mean that you have to agree to do extra work. Consider if saying yes to new projects serves you in any way, for example, if it helps you progress in your career and then decide if it interferes with your routine. While neglecting your hobbies to do more work is okay from time to time, never neglect rest.
The same also goes for making yourself emotionally available when interacting with your co-workers or boss. If people in your office tend to gossip, you might feel like you have to join in to avoid feeling excluded. However, dealing with other people’s problems can distract you from work and make you feel anxious that one day they’ll be talking about you. It’s best to set boundaries from the beginning but you can also gently let people know you’re no longer interested in being as involved as before. Make it clear that you’d rather focus on work or that you simply don’t feel like having this kind of conversation.
5. Develop a healthier relationship with criticism
We all make mistakes and it’s impossible to be perfect all the time, yet most of us tend to see negative feedback as a reflection of our abilities. The first thing you should remember is that criticism doesn’t mean you’re bad at your job – it just means that there’s room for improvement and you should take it as an opportunity to tweak your approach. In other words, try to look at it from a different perspective and see it as a way to grow.
Secondly, make sure you ask the person you’ve received feedback from to clarify it. When you hear someone say that the work you did isn’t good, it might be tempting to shut down and be in a bad mood for the rest of the day but if you settle for vague feedback, you won’t know how to improve.
Even a simple question such as ‘What can I do differently next time?’ can point you in the right direction.
Other helpful tips:
1. Don’t beat around the bush. Be clear about what your boundaries are.
2. When your boundary gets violated, speak up straight away.
3. Don’t give up when people ignore your boundaries and keep bringing them up.
4. If your boss or co-workers repetitively crosses your boundaries by initiating flirting or sexual contact, consider reporting them.
5. Remember that you have the right to feel comfortable in a workspace and prioritize your needs.
Practice Saying These Sentences to Yourself and Others to Become More Assertive
If you don’t have much experience setting boundaries, it might be difficult to come up with things to say that will sound firm but not come across as rude at the same time. So here are a few examples you can use:
"I am not able to help with that today. You can ask _ for help or I can look at it on _ day"
Thank you for asking but I'd prefer to not talk about my private life at work.
“I’d rather just focus on work instead of talking about this but we can always meet up for a coffee and discuss it then”
I am not able to talk about this today, but I can next week.
“I’d love to hear all about it but I have a lot to do today and I don’t want to fall behind”
“I can see your perspective but my answer remains the same.”
“Thank you for this feedback. I will think about what you shared with me and give you a response by the end of the week.”
